Wear Cute S.O.C.K.S.
So much of my work with new trainees is giving them the space and encouragement to feel comfortable in the gym/studio space. It’s just a fact that some of us queer folk (and a good percentage of our hetero cousins) have never felt a sense of connection in a gym environment that may have made is feel a spectrum of feels, from unfamiliar to uncomfortable, to downright hostile and dangerous.
So when someone asks me how to start feeling that elusive feeling of “belonging” in a gym …. I just say…
“Wear Cute SOCKS”
And then they give me this weird stare like I’M the one that’s crazy.
And then I stare them right back in the eye and I say:
S is for Self
O is for Open
C is for Consistent
K is for Kind
S is for Slay
And they’re like…”why are you staring at me like that?”
And I’m like…”oh sorry, bad habit”
And then I share the following advice:
Bring a little more Self every time
Allow me to start with a bit of my fitness “journey”.
At my first gym, the West End YMCA, I hid as much as humanly possible… for months. I went super early so nobody was there. I dressed in baggy neutral jogging suits with hoods that hid my body. I wore a hat over my eyes. I erased myself from a space where I felt like a bit of an interloper, an imposter, a fraud. Like I had snuck past security and I was just there until someone got wise and kicked me out for being… BMW (body made wrong).
It took me a while to feel myself, years actually. But I remember buying my first pair of cute socks. Striped old-school calf length socks. And I wore them under my baggy jogging pants and I walked on the treadmill.
And then I bought these really cute shiny black nike shorts and I learned to run on the treadmill.
And then I bought a really cute slightly more tight X-men t-shirt and I learned to do chest presses on the machine.
And then I got a really cute tank top and did bench presses with dumbbells on a bench for the first time.
You get the idea.
The gym is as much an exercise in psychological strength as it is a physical one. We all have insecurities stemming from the many and varied macro- and micro-traumas of our lives. Having worked with queer folk and others who aren’t always comfortable or safe in fitness spaces, I’ve come to understand it’s really important to find that balance between acknowledging our big and little traumas that make these spaces difficult for us, and finding a way to negotiate with those feeling so it doesn’t stop us from entering and thriving in those same spaces.
We all deserve to get stronger. We all deserve access and safety in the spaces that can facilitate that growth in our bodies and our heads. And it’s important that we feel that we can be authentically ourselves in those spaces, because what is strength if not being our best, more powerful selves?
Be Open to feeling awkward
Truth is… I don’t know many people (especially those of us barred from truly being ourselves in the culture of school gym class, sports teams, etc) who enjoy themselves at the gym at first.
Let’s face it, the gym is designed to be awkward and that can make us clench our psychological sphincter so tight that we might not be receptive to new things.
The movements when we lift are meant to force bodies into stressful and relatively difficult physical situations so we can evolve and get stronger every time we workout. The space somewhat requires a little danger, anxiety, and stress to create success. In the beginning, this runs counter to every natural instinct in our brains (which is to make us safe, make things easier, and find the path of least resistance to complete a task).
Also we can’t ignore that these spaces can be toxic from the top down. Body shaming, predatorial business models, over-masculine messaging, gender binary technologies/ideologies/spaces, fake products and supplements and trends… the powder-keg of a pre-workout-infused mob in search of ‘gainz!’… all this makes for a not-surprisingly-hostile environment. The merely functional space that most of us, across a spectrum of backgrounds and genders and cultures, want to access is built to exclude.
I think the industry is changing, slowly, but if you’re reading this you’re probably interested in doing something positive for yourself NOW.
So the classic advice comes into play here. You can’t control the world around you, but you can choose how you interact with it. So ask yourself, how do you set yourself for success no matter how nervous or self-sabotaging you think you may be? How do you bring yourself a little more every time you show up?
The secret to starting in the gym successfully (and in most of life probably) is to be aware of this tension. To anticipate and prep that ego for these feelings of vulnerability, awkwardness and discomfort.
I can say with all confidence that I can almost ALWAYS tell the moment that one of my clients changes that fear and awkwardness into PLAY and CURIOSITY. It’s a beautiful day when they level up, realize the awkwardness is the body reacting to something new and that’s the real path - to new! New strength, new growth, new confidence, new movement.
Just remember that when you open the door to the studio, it’s a symbol of opening your mind to learning at least one new and uncomfortable thing that day.
Consistency over Perfection
For those of you new to the gym, or even more experienced. I have a little exercise for you.
What are your goals at the gym? Think of 3 - 5. Write them down if you need to. I’ll wait. (do it before reading ahead)
…
…
…
What were the goals about? Were they about a body part (bigger arms). Were they to be stronger or conquer a difficult movement (I want to do 12 pull ups), or about your weight going up or down (I want to lose/gain 5 lbs)?
Those are great goals. But I’m assuming you’re also reading this article looking for ways to feel more present in a gym. Did any of the goals address those feelings of awkwardness, or imposter syndrome, or the barriers that make you feel watched, or silly, or from trying something new?
Were any of your goals something like:
go three times per week for a month until I don’t feel weird in the space
wear shorts for the first time on leg day
walk into the gym three times in a row without feeling like I don’t belong here
do the move I feel is the weirdest looking (burpees for me) in front of other people without caring once a week for a month
ask someone for advice on a movement once a week to not feel so isolated?
You can’t get great at deadlifts if you don’t feel like you have a right to be there, if you think you might make a noise, or a mistake, or you feel observed, or just… scared and uncomfortable.
And yes I know not all of us feel those things, but a lot of us do.
And yes I’m a trainer. And yes I can help you feel more comfortable. And yes my email is Ryan@getTLT.com. But joking aside not everyone can afford a trainer and no that shouldn’t be a barrier to feeling good in your body (so for the record, if you can’t afford me but have a question my email is also Ryan@getTLT.com).
The most important goal in building a practice is to show up regularly and learn as much as possible so you don’t get hurt. So be honest with yourself and make thoughtful psychological goals that will get you to those pull ups, deadlifts, abs, biceps, and whatever other physical goals you want to achieve.
Define your barriers, don’t let any of them make you feel too silly, or small, if they’re real. It could be a changeroom issue, how you feel about clothes, your body, your energy. Be honest and build goals designed to make you feel comfortable in the space, in your body, and that will have you consistently showing up. If you do that, I promise the biceps will come.
Kind is strong
Yeah the gym is supposed to be HARD. You’re supposed to WORK and SUFFER because that’s how we make GAINZ.
Friend, calm down and take a break. It’s easy to talk in aggressive soundbites but maybe consider that building a long-term practice is less about “willpower” and more about iterative progress. That maybe success in getting a hard body is slower, softer and friendlier than the culture would sometimes have us believe.
Strength is work, but it’s ok to enjoy your body. It’s ok to have amazing days and rough days where you just do your best and congratulate yourself for just being there. It’s ok to take pics that make you feel good.
It’s also normal and ok to go get some air because you have a minor panic attack doing squats that were a bit too ambitious. It’s ok to cry and be unsure why because your body revealed a trauma that your brain forgot. It’s ok to switch to a new gym because the management at the old one didn’t do the work to make the space safe for you.
Strength isn’t just an act of war on your body. It’s an act of kindness to your psyche, so you’ll feel more stable, more good, more energetic, more YOURSELF than ever before. Remember to pat yourself on the back more often, and more than anything.
Kind is strong
Make sure you remember to have a little fun.
You aren’t at the gym to overthink iterative mental processes that will make your life incrementally better. You’re there to feel fucking fab in your body and let’s not lose sight of that.
So let’s build goals sure
Let’s mentally prepare
For sure conduct positive self talk….
… but then LITERALLY put on the cute socks, the spandex shorts, the cute jock strap, the fierce headband. Let’s also remember that we’re allowed to have a blast, try something new, make new friends, dance between sets, act a fool, and feel our body as we lift, curl, squat, and lunge into the sexy godfolx that we were always meant to be.
So in conclusion…
Remember to put up cute S.O.C.K.S before every workout
S - Bring a little more Self every time
O - Be Open to feeling awkward
C - Consistency over perfection
K - Kind is stronger
S - Slay every leg day.
So that’s how you get good at gym folks. Be honest and aware of your emotional barriers and delightful hang ups in the fitness space, make goals to push past them, give yourself time, and for gods’ sake WEAR CUTE S.O.C.K.S. Okurr?
With Love, Coach Ryan Wolman
* I just want to add, I don’t know where in the world you are when reading this. I am writing this from the perspective of a white gay man in a country that has some (still imperfect) institutional protections regarding gender and sex, ethnicity, etc, and I know that many 2SLGBTQ+ folk experience spaces that are cultural illegal or dangerous - I don’t want to be flippant about that. This article is about uncomfortable spaces rather than those that are abusive or openly discriminatory. If you’re in a gym or fitness space where “open” is dangerous, where being yourself may lead to exclusion or violence, please know that we love and support you - being safe is not a failure. Know that you should be free to express yourself and, if others or your culture are threatened by perceived differences, it’s their problem - their weakness - not yours. If you need some help navigating those spaces (or even escaping those places) please look for local resources beyond a well-meaning personal trainer.
Coach Ryan Wolman is a Queer focused strength trainer and gym owner in Toronto, Canada. He lives with his dog Sophia.