Why do we need Queer-focused training?
So I’m pretty proud of what I do for a living. I’m a gay personal trainer and strength coach in Toronto and I like training queer folk in my little gym. I end up talking about what I do quite often because it’s part of the job and I think it’s really interesting. Most of the responses are pretty great, but I often asked a type of question (usually with good intentions) in some form by both straight folk and gay men.
Why does it need to be Queer only?
Digging a bit deeper, they may be actually asking something a bit more specific. Something like…
“Will you train a straight guy like me?”
“I’m gay and I feel fine in gyms so this seems unneccessary”
“My gym is full of gay guys so I don’t get it”
“Shouldn’t we strive to be more inclusive, and less exclusive?”
So I wanted to talk about what I do, why I think we need it and how everyone can feel good about it (even if it isn’t for them).
Some Language
So let define some language (I’m going to use my own messy words here rather than dictionary definitions so I hope I don’t leave anything out) so we’re on the same page:
Queer Focused - a training space and practice where those that train (queer or not) are aware and adaptive to the needs of queer & intersectional individuals as a top-of-mind priority.
Vs
Queer Exclusive - A practice that wants to make an exclusively “safe space” for queer folk without attendance by straight and/or CiS individuals (which I think is important in some contexts, but happens to not be what what I practice).
I think another important distinction is comparing “Queer focused” to “Queer-friendly” or “tolerant” (cringe). I think Queer folk have realized that it’s not enough to be tolerated, and we deserve more to just be allowed in a space or that we won’t get verbally abused or threatened. We need spaces where we have the chance to thrive rather than just exist, especially in a high anxiety space like a gym which can be really intimidating and physically/emotionally exposing.
Queer people need gym spaces and coaches that understand many of us need help feeling at home before we can focus on lifting the weights and getting strong.
Why Queer-focused spaces in general?
Queer folk don’t have a lot of spaces designed for them. Most always the world expects us to adapt to it, rather than it changing for us. Even the “villages”, our supposed safe spaces, can be difficult for many of us, with well documented issues with racism, sexism, ableism and intersectional identities. Out of the village it can be even more exhausting, negotiating ways to be our authentic selves without being considered “difficult”, “unprofessional”, or “drama” etc.
In the modern world many of us consciously or subconsciously code-switch in our identities (Queer, racialized, gendered, etc) depending on the people we are around and the the tone of the environments we’re in. We do this to connect to peers at work, to keep safe, or because we’ve been told we’re bad/perverted/weird/going-to-hell most days in our adolescence.
Straight folk, you very likely aren’t aware of this anxiety because it’s often pretty low key. Unless you’ve chosen to immerse yourself in Queer culture that discomfort might be invisible to you. You might think that that way things are is “normal”. To you, most gyms just seem pretty… predictable and normal. But for many of us they’re pretty high anxiety and we might need a little help to get accustomed and acclimatized.
Why Queer-focused fitness specifically?
Most gyms follow a similar paradigm. The music, the colours on the wall, the language in the ads, the design of the (binary) change rooms and bathrooms… these all contribute to a narrative, telling us what’s ‘normal’, who belongs here, and coding behaviour/identity toward the masculine, straight, male, and somewhat aggressive. In Canada, legally most gyms will accept everyone as a paying customer, but (take it from a former Ad Exec) the sounds, the sights, and the words can create a very different narrative to some of us.
Modern gyms in big cities are certainly changing to adjust for a more diverse clientele, I don’t want to overgeneralize here, but specifically in the strength training industry that is a slow change.
Ask yourself:
Does your gym ask my pronouns/share theirs when they do intake? Do they assume your gender?
Do they use technology platforms that only allow you to answer in gender binaries?
Did they invest in changeroom/bathroom solutions that give trans/non-binary folk an equally good experience, or are they changing in a staff bathroom off to the side?
Do you see diversity in their hiring practices with staff/trainers?
What’s their policy for unsolicited communications/advice/harassment?
Do they ask you how you feel about physical vs verbal cues when training?
What’s the ratio of Britney Spears to Post Malone in the music they play? (If the answer is less than 70% you should probably walk away)
How is a Queer squat different from a Straight squat?
They’re both the same but the queer squat is performed listening to Celine Dion’s I drove all night at full volume. #gaydadjoke
But seriously, nobody is saying that Queer focused training means the programming, or the bicep curls, or the WORK itself is qualitatively different. What’s maybe different is the need to FEEL ok enough to walk in the door, get into the changeroom, put on our really cute socks and shorts and stuff, and walk to the rack to get to squatting that squat. And that can be way more heavy for some of us.
You can’t learn to lift regularly if you’re too traumatized from Grade 4 gym class when the other guys took your clothes from your locker and threw them in a toilet and then urinated on them so you were stuck in gym shorts all day while your clothes were washed and dried in the staff room and everyone was asking why you were in shorts and you had to decide how to explain to people and looking back you’re wondering why no teachers even tried to find out who did it and that it happened twice …. or whatever
You also probably can’t learn to lift properly if you think your body is not your friend, or if you’re a trans guy who doesn’t feel comfortable wearing a chest binder in a gym, or if you feel paranoid like you’re being stared at by someone for playing the soundtrack from Funny Girl too loud.
It’s not about being shy, or closeted, or “real”. Trust me, for those of us who are very Out and very Proud® it can be painful and exhausting to be authentically ourselves in an environment where we are feeling new, extremely vulnerable, and maybe have some historical and cultural baggage.
So the way Queer folks feel in a gym space or with a personal trainer or coach is a spectrum, ranging from “Ready for Gainz” to “Childhood Traumaz and Panic Attackz”. Everyone along that spectrum has the right to find a way to build a strength training practice for their own health and it shouldn’t be on them alone to get past those barriers.
So what’s different in a Queer-focused practice?
In some ways this is really hard to answer, because Queer people are such a deliciously diverse gamut of people with different opinions and needs and personalities and beliefs and… quirks. We’ve all been through some kind of stuff, and we all have at least a few battle scars, depending on our experience. The paths and forms of joy we seek are just as variable.
What I know for sure is that there is no “one size fits all” approach to trying to make a space that speaks to everyone. It’s a bit of a fool’s errand (which is why we need lots and lots of different Queer focused spaces, because we aren’t a monolithic culture).
It’s a living breathing process of learning, processing and rethinking. It’s always being open to being wrong, and changing our mind weekly with new information. It’s in the way you hire, promote, deal with conflict (which is a really hard topic). It’s creating a space where people can be themselves and talk about difficult things where everyone feels heard and seen and all that good stuff.
So will you train straight people?
No.
Kidding. Yes. Well… yes with some maybe.
I’ll train you if you aren’t scared to share your pronouns and don’t assume anyone’s gender in the room. I’m happy to work with you if you won’t get defensive if someone mentions something to you or suggests a change in your language or communication. If you’re cool not asking me to put on “real gym music” instead of my Disney princess playlist we’ll get along.
Basically if you’re cool not being the centre of this particular universe, want to train hard and don’t mind keeping the people around you top-of-mind, then I’d be thrilled if you’d join us.
I’m gay and I go to a big gym and I’m fine.
Cool. We’re a big community with different needs. I’m not saying everyone needs this. But I know some of us do.
So what would be different if I worked with you (or someone like you), Ryan?
You might learn that the soundtrack to Chicago is just the right tempo for heavy deadlifts.
You’d probably realize during our initial meeting that you could let your shoulders down and be yourself, even if that’s feeling a bit off-balanced or nervous, or awkward. You’d probably be a bit more comfortable saying what’s on your mind. You’d probably hear some music that might get you feeling a bit more energized in your own skin. You’d probably meet some amazing Queer folk as you warm up and make some new friends.
You’d probably learn that your trainer used to forge notes to get out of every gym class for years, and was scared of gyms until his mid-30s and has more in common with you as a beginner or intermediate lifter than a fitness influencer. You’d see a clearer path to getting past some of the barriers that make you just NOT WANT TO GO to the gym, before you even get to how much you hate looking weird lifting stuff like everyone else.
Maybe you’ll realize that you can be more focused in the moment, because you’re just in your body and in the space and not thinking about how you’re coming across to anyone and you can just be your average non-binary pansexual in cute socks blasting the soundtrack to Wicked, making crazy grunting noises as you achieve a personal-best one-rep max sumo deadlift, and smiling.
Big Finish
You deserve the space and time and help to get strong your way. You’ve spent a lifetime assessing and adapting yourself to spaces that probably didn’t give a lot of thought to you and your Queer fam and that’s why we need more Queer focused fitness spaces.
So if you need something like this and you’re in Toronto please get in touch, and if you’re not local and need a Queer friendly trainer or a space nearer to you take the time to search for other orgs near you that speak specifically to your community.